Divorce is so incredibly painful, destructive, and littered with setbacks. However, with the right perspective, divorce can also be a catalyst for reinvention — a springboard into a better life.

Sometimes it takes profoundly dramatic things to wake us up, and change our course in life.

Think of your life as a puzzle — maybe it’s a quarter, or half way put together, or still neatly in the box. Well, divorce comes along and takes your puzzle and breaks it apart, throwing all of the pieces up in the air — scattering them around the room, house, and yard for the wind to blow about. Now it’s up to you whether you’ll pick them up, and how you’ll put the puzzle back together. Will you throw up your hands and ignore the pieces, preferring to wallow under the covers? Or will you pick them up carefully and diligently put one piece after the other into the border that will frame your new chapter? Or will you start fresh, with a completely new puzzle? It’s entirely up to you how your life takes shape…

When you’re in a marriage that’s not working your energy, focus, stamina, and emotions can be hijacked, leaving little for anything else. If you decide to divorce, or divorce happens, you will then be directing your energy and focus to that for as long as it takes to move through it, and sometimes for months or even years after.

The energy drain and wear and tear on you, your psyche, and your wallet can be intense and overwhelming, even traumatic. Divorce can feel like a tsunami ripping through your life, and leaving nothing but destruction in its wake.

We can look at this like it’s a disaster, or we can shift our thinking and choose to see it as an opportunity, a blank slate to recreate our lives, the way we’ve always wanted them to be.

We get to reinvent who we are, and how we want to live. How do you want to live? The limit is really only your imagination, and maybe your energy level, which after years of an unhappy marriage and a difficult divorce could be at an all time low. So let’s start small, and build up our capacity.

Small Changes

Spend time thinking about the little things that your spouse used to do that really irked you. Did he leave the toilet seat up? Did she forget to put the cap back on the toothpaste? Would he read until late at night, with a light on interrupting your sleep? Would she insist on hogging the remote control?

Now that you’re on your own, you get to call these kinds of shots. You can live in a house where you never have to fall in the toilet bowl, or you can watch Netflix until midnight. These are some of life’s little pleasures. Don’t take them for granted right now. Relish them.

Take Care of Yourself

If you’re like me, the last person you take care of is yourself. Everyone else comes first: your children, your spouse (when you were married), your boss and/or your clients (if you have them), your extended family, the to-do list, etc. Life is busy these days, and if you’re in a divorce there are so many additional demands on you. There’s little to no time for yourself. Part of this reinvention, is taking time for yourself. Carving it out, little by little. And maybe even rediscovering what you like to do–what makes you tick, or curls your toes. Are you an artist, a dancer, an author, a soccer player, a mathematician, a yogi? Have you always wanted to take a trip by yourself, start a blog, learn French, meditate?

You may need to start small again here as well. Spend maybe 5 minutes on something just for you, then build up over time. Is that taking a bath? Reading quietly? Singing your favorite song out loud in the car? Watching a funny video that makes you laugh? Do something just for yourself every day.

I recommend getting a journal. Pick out one that speaks to you…that is pretty, or clean, or feels nice to the touch, a notebook that catches your eye, and inspires you to open it. Use this journal to just brainstorm, and answer some of the above questions. Write a little bit each day. If writing’s not your thing, start with 5 minutes. If you love writing, and you’re moved to do it, write as long as you like. Get in touch with yourself. Whatever you do — just write.

As you start to identify what you love in daily life, do it. Carve out the time and protect it. Give to yourself first, then handle the other stuff.

In my own healing, I discovered Zumba, and my teacher Deirdre Martinez. It makes me so incredibly happy to move my body, listen to music, and be surrounded by other dancers. I tried tons of stuff in my divorce recovery, and some of my favorites are: hiking in the hills with my dogs, walking on the beach alone or with friends, learning to meditate (I have trouble doing it on my own, so I go to classes; there are also many apps that can help guide you). Try things on, do what feels good, makes you smile, and gives you joy.

The Big Picture: Learning to Dream Again

When we’re taxed all the time, we start to only focus on survival. What do we need to do to get through the day? We spend all of our energy on that, with little left over for anything else. Now that your marriage and divorce are over, it’s time to shift gears. From this post-divorce place of relative safety and calm, we’re going to carve out the space to dream again. Who are you now? Who are you at your best? What do you value? What’s important to you? Where do you want to go? What gives you joy? What do you want to be now that you’re grown up?

Use your journal to dream big. Please don’t edit yourself. Just write freely. This is your chance to really put out there what you’re hoping for.

In the throws of my divorce I did a lot of writing and soul searching, here’s a snippet of something I wrote from back then: “What do I want? I want to live here and now. I want to celebrate life, and to find deep and profound love. I want to evolve. I want to be profound. I want everyday to be memorable…and fulfilling. I love being with my children, my friends, and my family. I have a richness to my life already, but I want a partner to share it with.”

When I reread that, it makes me smile. I’m reminded of what I want out of life, and I see how many of my dreams I’ve had the good fortune of realizing in the seven years since my divorce.

Let’s analyze that journal entry: there’s intention in it, and there’s hope. There’s an openness to what is, and what may come. And there’s gratitude. These are the cornerstones of reinvention.

Also, when we have goals in mind and commit to them in writing, actions can start to take shape, opportunities are presented, and we begin to recognize if they’re in line with our goals and dreams. It helps us to know when to say yes, and when to say no, and how to move forward.

What do you want? Who do you want to be as you move through your divorce? What will your life look like a year from now? Five years from now? Who are you at your core? And maybe most importantly, what are you grateful for?

The Specifics

Once you’ve got your big goals and broad strokes down on paper, and as your muscles grow for taking care of yourself, and identifying what makes you happy, you can start getting into the specific goals, and outlining the action steps that will take you to where you want to go.

Your specific goals could be anything! They could be about your health, your figure, your appearances, dating, your children, friendships, spirituality, etc. Again, everyone is different, and no goal is too big or too small.

As with any reinvention, I recommend taking the same course of action: take stock of where you are, and where you’d like to be; start small, then dream big. Journal it all, research, connect with resources and experts. Then identify action steps…

I could write a series of books on all the things we could reinvent! But for this article, we will limit our scope, focusing on a few of the most common ones: where you live, your career, finances, and your love life.

Where You Live

Home is a huge part of our lives. It’s a reflection of who we are.

Who you were in your marriage, is different than who you are now, and your home is going to reflect that, for better or worse. In the chaos of the divorce, is your living space also out of control? Is it a peaceful place for reflection and healing? Or an energized place, abuzz with creativity?

Whatever it is, chances are that your home is not the same after divorce as it was before. Whether you stayed in the marital home, or found a new place, your ideal is to create a space that will facilitate your healing, and support your new goals and dreams. Your home should be a place for regeneration, rather than a reminder of past hurts that will keep you stuck.

With your home, get to know what you love when it comes to decoration and design. Do you love pink? Faux fur is your passion? Clean, sparse modern architecture? Your philosophy on accessories are the more the merrier, or that tchotchkes make you tear your hair out! This is your space…you get to call the shots. And remember, you can do A LOT with a can of paint, and simply giving away things to those in need.

If you decide you prefer a change of locale, there are many people who can help you to make this shift. My background is real estate, and I still work with a partner in that field, specializing in divorce, and moving on (literally and figuratively) from your marriage. Check out our website for tips and tools, and if you need a referral for an agent in your area, or a mortgage professional, please reach out to me.

Career

“Necessity is the mother of invention.” A terrific English proverb, that features prominently in divorce. Many of us find that we need more money after a divorce, and the solution is to go back to work. Or maybe we need to be more flexible, now that we’re single parenting, so we need to shift our type of work or make changes to our existing jobs. Or maybe through our pain, we had an epiphany, and discovered that being of service to others is what makes us happy, and we want to do that. There are many reasons to reinvent our careers after divorce. These are just some of them.

If you’re needing to make a change in this department, there are countless ways to get started. My favorite continues to be brainstorm, dream, and journal. Then research: online, books, and seeking the help and guidance of people you know, friends, family, and of course experts. One of my favorite books, and an excellent place to start, is the perennial best seller: What Color is Your Parachute.  

Finances

Most of my clients come to me with concerns about finances, and how they’ve taken a big hit in the divorce. Often I work with what’s called the “out spouse,” the person who didn’t control the finances, and had little knowledge or control over how money was handled. Typically, they lived in relative security, not having to worry about money — to being thrown for a loop, scrambling to educate themselves on what assets their were, how much money they had coming in and going out, and then dividing it. And then the scariest part of all, being financially responsible on their own moving forward.

If you recognize yourself in this scenario, you’re not alone. This is common in SO many divorces.

There’s a silver lining to this financial thundercloud…whether you recognize it or not, you’re now more savvy about money than you were pre-divorce. You have had a crash course in accounting 101; chances are you’ve had to take a hard look at your financial lifestyle, and do a budget. Subsequently, you now know more about how much money you have and where it is. And while it may be scary, you have control over your money, and get to choose how to spend it, save it, or maybe even invest it.

Knowledge is power. You are reinventing yourself into someone who’s fiscally savvy. You may not feel like it today, but turn around, and see how far you’ve come. Now face forward…what do you want your relationship with money to be? What are your financial goals? Do you want to put your kids through college? Do you want to never have to worry about how much money you have? Do you want a comfortable retirement?

Celebrate your successes along the way. Remember that section above about small changes? Pat yourself on the back every time you balance the checkbook, or pass up a fancy coffee drink to put that same money in the savings account.

If you need more help with this area of your life, reach out and get some. There are so many tools available, from free content on websites that educate or help you keep track of your money (try mint.com), to inexpensive advice in the form of books (I loved: The Smartest Money Book You’ll Ever Read), to paid experts who will help you with your finances (CDFAs, money coaches, financial planners), many of whom will meet with you for a free consultation.

You’ve already come so far, and learned so much about your finances, capitalize on this momentum, and keep building the strength of your financial future.

Your Love Life

Chances are your heart has taken a beating in both your marriage and your divorce. In my own experience, my heart literally hurt, I felt as if I’d been kicked in the chest. I hadn’t realized that it could be a physical pain like that. One that doesn’t go away by taking a couple of Advil…

Therapist and author of Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas is often quoted as saying: “Broken hearts, like broken legs, need a lot of tending to in order to properly heal.” And she also says that you wouldn’t just sit there with a broken leg and let it heal on it’s own… You’d do something about it! You’d go to the doctor, you’d wear a cast, you’d do some PT, you’d take care of that leg. So it’s important to do something for your heart. Whether that’s read Katherine’s book, or see a therapist, or a divorce coach, do some soul searching, write in your journal, do some exercises, etc.

Everyone’s path to healing is his/her own, but don’t neglect your heart. In your path to reinvention, healing is a huge part. When you’re heart is mended and whole, you will feel joy and love again.

If you have children, chances are this is an excellent path to healing your heart. Spending time with them, and reconnecting with what makes them who they are is so powerful. Young children are a delight to watch as they explore the world. Spend a few minutes watching them, or better yet, get down on the floor and lose track of time just playing. Tune out the rest of the world, and be super present for those few minutes. Children’s laughter is infectious.

As we heal our hearts, we begin to love again. Start with your children, because that’s usually the easiest path to love. Then maybe to yourself (that can sometimes be trickier…), and eventually (if we want) on to romantic love. There’s no right way, or correct order. Tackle what feels good to you. And make your prescription for healing specific to you, according to your own agenda and timeline.

Conclusion

Every divorce is different. It’s like a fingerprint, unique to you. Therefore the ways in which to reinvent are personal and unlimited; your path to your new life will be tailored just for you. You are the architect of your reinvention.

What can you reinvent? Absolutely anything! That tsunami came through, so you may have some debris in your path — you may want to start with clearing the land.

What debris is left in your way? Is it a bank account in shambles? A not-so-nice place to live? A broken heart? Children who miss their other parent? Start with what’s pressing on you. Start with what keeps you up at night. Journal about what that is, and how you’d like it to be different. Don’t worry about the steps to get you there at the moment. Just outline the pain it’s causing you, and then shift to the joy you’ll get when it’s different. Once you feel the joy, then you can start outlining the steps…

And if you find you need helping hand getting started, reach out. I am here to offer guidance and inspiration, and to be a collaborator if you wish.

“I thought, I need to reinvent myself. I want every day of life to be wonderful, fascinating, interesting, creative. And what am I gonna do to make that happen?” – Karen Allen